Jimmy Won't Exist For Much Longer
by The-Turducken-Affairs
Summary: A group of one-shots revolving around Jimmy Novak as he goes though eternity (or however long his mind remains) as a vessel. The one- shots vary in levels of straight-forwardness and abstractness. Warnings and spoiler alerts will be in the beginning of each chapter.
1. Too Small

**Hi! This is the beginning in a series of one-shots about Jimmy Novak. So far, the series seems like it will be more abstract. Please read it, please like it, and please review it. Basically, I hope anyone who comes across this enjoys it!**

**Disclaimer: Not my angel, not my Jimmy.**

His universe is too small.

It used to be that the simplest things would awe him. He was born under God's eye and he was surrounded by holy creation. But no more.

He loved God, just as he loved his family, unquestioningly. But no more.

His skin crawls with fate and grace and he wants out.

He never was claustrophobic, but being trapped forever changes that in a man.

I hear it in my essence, his cries of _why, oh why, why, why_?

His universe is too small and he screams.


	2. Wounded

**Disclaimer: As not often as Jimmy is mentioned on the show, he still belongs to the Supernatural folks. That's okay though, since I still get to play with him (in a totally not creepy way... for now).**

I'm sleeping, basking in nothing. Maybe I'm far off- in a vortex of harsh non-reality. Maybe I'm Jimmy.

Then, something changes.

I feel it in the mid southern corner of being and it is a burst of dull pain. It tingles, discomforting but not overwhelming in the midst of searing infinity.

I think I've been stabbed. Distantly, I grow aware.

Physicality. It was this thing that guided me once, until I was taken and lost and tormented. Now though, I am brought back to it. A genuine presence in what was life and what was my world.

The stab wound reassembles me. I am a mind of oozing blood in replacement of space. Stars burst with the shutting down of organs. My mouth tastes of iron.

There is screaming and it's all I know. My life is invested in it. Yells for angel, cries of man.

_Castiel_, they scream.

_But I'm Jimmy_, I think vaguely, more wonderingly than sure. They must not be calling for me, I conclude as I am already eager to slip away. I'll just rest then, surrounded by bloodied galaxies and ignited grace.

Everything is evaporated and I seep back to where I was.


	3. In Between

**Disclaimer: Supernatural still isn't mine, try again next week.**

White light engulfed me and it burned me away.

For so long, I was alone. Shrouded by the wings of an angel, and I wished I could say I was blessed. But all I felt was shadows pulling me across worlds and space, until my heart could no longer take it.

It brought me too my knees, _I don't have knees_.

Tears nestled in the corners of my eyes, _I don't have eyes._

My mouth opened as if to scream, _I don't have a mouth_, but was swallowed by dark matter.

My pride was whittled to a pleading, pathetic wretchedness and spread across the cosmos like a babe's bare behind prone upon a table.

I fostered a feebleness of existence, holding on for no reason but to be. I was a nerve exposed.

I would expire soon and it turned me to baser instincts.

Cry, yell, pray, spit. _I don't have a body. I am I still me?_


	4. Emerge

**This chapter is about the episode called The Rapture (4x20).**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural.**

I didn't surface for what felt like eternity but then there I was, in the real world. It was so real I couldn't move. How do I blink? Why do I feel so heavy?

I breathed for the first time. Then I set off, because I had my life back and there were things to do.

In front of me was the girl I gave everything for and the woman I fell for and in that moment, anything I wanted could have been mine.

I sat with them, tasting bread and meat upon my tongue and felt exhilaration. We were a family again and I smiled for the first time. It felt so good, the straining of unused muscle and I laughed.

I could not stop saying _I love you_. I said it over and over again until they grew weary of my proclamation and then I looked at them with eyes that said the same thing.

Bliss came in the form of simplicity and a throw back to my old life.

I had been swept up in a fate no longer my own, but I took it back. Until they arrived.

There were two men, soldiers brutalized by war and with no sympathy. They wanted to take away my happiness and trade me away for the burning fury of angelic power. They wanted Castiel.

No, no, no, no. With all my soul and with everything I had I said this, but then my breath was stolen by what I saw.

Everything I wanted turned to horror as blood smeared my vision.

My hands came away bloodstained, because there in front of me was my broken, soul mutilated wife and my daughter was to be sentenced to eternal, mental evisceration.

I broke.

Jimmy Novak could no longer be. I wished that I had never existed rather than face this fate, but there was no question of choice for me now.

I screamed in my mind, for speaking no longer felt powerful enough,

_Take me back._

_Keep them save. _

_Promise me forever._

I was lighted and it tasted like nebula.


	5. Gifts

**Disclaimer: I'm just borrowing them for a moment, I promise!**

Look, he said. _Look over there._

And even though there was no body, nothing was real, and I no longer had eyes, I turned. He acted as if everything I could ever dream for was right there, but I turned away. I sneered and scoffed, righteous anger fueling my words, _what, you think that's enough?_

He wanted so desperately to please me. He took from me my body and my mind and in return gave me the universe. It wasn't enough, but it was too much. I was everywhere, nowhere, and I wanted nothing but to not be.

This not-man, this _angel_, understood nothing and burned me with his presence. He was cold in an utterly naïve way, clumsily trotting over my psyche. He gave me horrors and called them gifts. He murdered for the sake of the few and was so far from humanity that I was filled with thoughts of _wrong, wrong, wrong_.

I prayed- to whom, I don't know, for angels no longer held sanctity- for him to stop. I knew not what anything was and I didn't have a name for what to stop, but suddenly there was nothing. There was a dazed existence that I almost knew was me, but it would disappear against my focus. If I thought for even a second, it felt like buzzing.

Nothing but almosts, nothing but the buzzing, I was pulled apart.


	6. Human Pt 1

**WARNING, SPOILERS FOR SEASON 9!**

**Disclaimer: Supernatural isn't mine (surprise!).**

**A/N: This is going to be the first part of multiple parts that are all linked to one story line. **

**WARNING, SPOILERS FOR SEASON 9!**

I had never seen him so lost.

He was this purposeful blaze of power and mistakes. And then he was not.

His choices led me down a narrowing path of singed holiness, sacrilege, and it seemed that my prior nothings caved in on me.

There were cracks in the hole of this emptiness and I realized I had only been lost. I had been enclosed in a grace veiled by overwhelming limitations.

As the edges of his angelic forces dwindled, I saw the world for the first time. Again.

I was far too longstanding for this shorter life of human, but they were my kin and so I pulled close consciousness.

And yet, I was not me.

And yet, I still felt the dull throb of universe in a corner of my soul.

And yet, I remained just behind the shroud of his being.

He was man now. I was not.


	7. Human Pt 2

**Disclaimer: NOT MY SHOW **

**Spoilers for Season 9**

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The man knew nothing.

He was used to operating on the frequency of Angel 2.0 with a low threshold of variability- that is to say: he had small range of emotions he was capable of as a messenger of God.

Now he has so much more.

He was created simply, as if God had little time for him and his coding has singed over time, dragging me along with its sparking intensity.

Now he is dulled but so much more.

He wanders with expectations of safety and honesty; naive and unsuspecting of a soon arriving comeuppance.

Now he is newborn but so much more.

He will get us killed soon, I suspect.


	8. Human Pt 3

**Disclaimer: Sometimes I'll pray for Supernatural to be mine, but the angels say no.**

**SPOILERS FOR SEASON 9**

Time streams slower as dimension and atmosphere merge passage for falling angel.

It gives much distance to think.

Fatally flawed and bearing witness to the mass expulsion of my kind- my family- I twist in unpleasant ways. I had so much and it was not until my throat oozed grace and I was thrown to mankind that I realized.

I am weak now in body, as I was then in mind. I struggled to attain what was given to humans so easily and I shirked duty and common sense to grasp selfishly at freedom of will.

I had known nothing of limits, of trust, or of decency.

Now I watch as the pride and ill-obtained power from my past that led to a false promise of redemption follow with consequence.

My brethren struggle for breath and life, mourning in harmony, screeching for safety of vessel.

Some plunge too far and disappear with a fizzle against ground.

Some await miracles in the sky, gleaming like stars.

Others find home of body and move on two feet.

Entropy reigns strong in terms of mind and energy. I fear for them.


	9. Human Pt 4

**Disclaimer: Pfft.**

**SPOILERS FOR SEASON 9**

I dream for the first time, because I am human.

There's a long hallway and the walls are dripping light. As I walk, my hand trails the wall, interrupting marks of brightness with dirt and blood.

It reminds of good intention and revenge.

Rooms pass by.

One smells of decay and burning wings.

One echoes the wails of souls ignored and branded.

One reverberates, fueled by what I imagine is terror.

There is no end, but I turn my head and can almost see. He smiles like God but reeks of the fallen. It is Jimmy. The man who I could not bear to think of, for his pain scratched the back of my mind and I had lost him somewhere along the imprints of my grace, his absence a reprieve of conscience.

But there he stands, sullied by my presence, but promised absolution for his holy duty.

He says to me, "_I have so much to show you._" And I can only hope he is a better man than I was an angel.


	10. Human Pt 5

**Disclaimer: What website is this posted on?**

**VAGUE SPOILERS FOR SEASON 9.**

**A/N: Thank you guys**** (as of right now: ****, ****Snow Droplets**, **Linnea Ancalime**, **LilyBolt, ****Rae Roberts- hope you enjoy season 9, I'm going gaga over it so far!****)** so much for the reviews! 

**I smiled so much I decided "grinning ear to ear" is a much more literal term than we have been led to believe. :)**

* * *

"_If we had met in a different way, another time," _Jimmy says, mulling words over his tongue, _"I think I would have found you divine."_

Castiel has been stripped of his body, pierced by his very own gaze of Jimmy.

He flows along their shared form, vaguely and intangibly.

"_I'm still in pain, even at this very moment. It feels as if I am the only thing holding us in one piece."_

Castiel dreams in perceptions of duality, and it feels much like when he was an angel.

He can almost taste the waves of brain activity and feel the heaviness of particles, here in this consciousness.

He forgot that existence isn't always fluid, but this dream is a shared convergence of simplicity and universe, calling for something he does not have.

He keeps pace with the steps of Jimmy, haltingly linear. _"Do you believe in man or angel, Castiel?"_

Black and white was what old movies were made of, but the cosmos is discordant. Jimmy has spanned the stars and black matter, he knows this.

"_I find the two have little in common. You were no good at being both, so now I think you must choose."_

Castiel wakes to a world of basic needs, his hunger growling at him.


	11. Experiment (interlude)

**Disclaimer: The show is not mine.**

**A/N: Thanks for the support guys! **

**This one is a break from the Human storyline, so no spoilers here. **

**The line "_If we had met in a different way, another time" _sparked an idea about, well, timing. Here you go:**

Castiel is the subject, Jimmy the variable- as sorted by increments of timing.

Jimmy walks home one night, sees a broken man on the street and tells him to have faith. The man smiles and stands for himself, alone. Jimmy holds his wife closer through the nights.

Children on the playground laugh as they call Jesus a bastard- they said, "No really, that's what he is. _Technically_." Jimmy's daughter comes home screaming the word and says it is sacred. Pastor and little girl meet two months sooner to speak of faith and God.

Divinization brews elsewhere, but Pontiac, Illinois is filled with frosty rain. Jimmy watches the storm before prayer and feels a warmth in his gut. Air conditioning is forgone as windows are opened, later, and a breeze carries away his inkling of experience.

Castiel's voice carries and it will settle upon Jimmy. It can sink in or be kicked up, but it's all according to Jimmy.

A little more observation, a little less inhibition, changes by degree

Who's to say what if?


	12. Belief

**Disclaimer: Supernatural is not mine.**

**A/N: I will get back to the Human storyline, but I need a little Castiel lovin' first, so I probably won't get back to that until the next new episode for Season 9. Until then, enjoy this-**

Imagine one thousand people.

Now imagine the children of those one thousand people, and their children's children, and their children's children's children, And.

Do you see? Good.

That is the following. Those are the people who hold close a faith of millennia and read from ghosts about where the power of conviction comes from.

This is the religion Jimmy breathes in like life.

He surrounds himself with miracle and psalm, breathing in the dust of a generation's old church, alive with love.

He makes a family under this faith, so sure of absolution, faith, and prayer- He knows the words of his lifeline like he knows the lines of his wife's face and he trusts in those words like his daughter trusts in her first father (she will meet her Father later).

A man once said "_For God so loved the World that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life_."

Jimmy believes and now it is true.


	13. Massacre

**Disclaimer: This is based off of something (Supernatural) that I am a fan of.**

**A/N: I call to my followers, my favoriters, my reviewers, and the masses. Come hither and read my stuff! **

**Also,vague spoilers for Season 6.**

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Where there was once a will and a follower of prayer lays an empty doll, reanimated to do the perverse bidding of God's onetime messenger.

He throws my voice at his followers, commanding fallacies. He uses my body for a calling so vile, I fear heaven's approach.

His own kind flees from him- errant angel that somehow continues to walk the realms of Heaven.

War clings to his ledger and my body is hollowed by sin.

My hands are marred by the ashen marks of dusted angel. They fall to a blade that once burned so bright, growing duller now after each carved grace dims to nothing.

Bodies pile up, leaving behind winged marks in the place of graves.

Voided of its warriors, heaven grows silent.

Voided of righteousness, my soul is eaten by sin.

Voided of humanity, I am but a vessel.

Comfortable lying beneath my skin, he makes it so I cannot escape the blood that falls.

I become a killer of angels.


	14. The Devil

**Disclaimer: I'm just going to borrow Supernatural for a second, I promise I'll give it right back.**

**A/N: Thanks for reading, support is greatly appreciated, and this takes place in episode 5x10 (Abandon All Hope)!**

* * *

The universe bleeds as if punctured, slowly pulling him along, till awareness manifests.

There's a presence that burns like ice.

Where lesser men would die, he stays, drifts until the last drop of universe bursts from the intensity of the icy presence and he comes face to face with the end of mankind.

The end of mankind wears the face of mortal man and speaks in recognizable tongue. He shares stories and pleads to decency, but he's twisted inside.

The end of mankind smells of death and he breeds evil.

Temptation and hatred in his arsenal, for they are what he holds closest, he lavishes amongst the chunks of flesh and anguish of souls of which he has loving carved from once humans.

He radiates razor sharp hurt, ugly and childish, but holds a strength wrongly given. He divulges falsehoods as if they were sacred.

Jimmy meets the devil in passing, and thanks God his soul buried within searing grace.


	15. Dear God

**Disclaimer: Supernatural is not mine.**

**Spoilers for 5x22 (Swan Song). Thanks for reading!**

* * *

Dear_ God, _

_I was born to a faith that spoke of your love. I grew with a trust in this love, raised a family under this love. Were you proud?_

_I gave myself wholly to you; I answered the call of your messenger and raised rank to lead a garrison of warriors._

_My soul rides along the comet of grace, fiery power burning me forever._

_I did so for you, and I do so for family. _

And there is a moment, a stillness spreading. The pause lasts too long, but what comes afterwards is death.

And his body tears apart, guts and soul and grace spewing across wet grass. But the end is quick, leaving behind a duel of brethren whose compliance to God turns hateful.

And all they know is gambled in warfare of His family.

_Now I fly apart for you, my remains strewn clumsily and anonymously._

_The archangels will fight now, here in this cemetery, and I will die forgotten. I do not know who will be left to mourn a soldier made of vessel and broken ranks. Are you proud?_

_I did it all for you. _

_Will you never answer my prayers? _

_-Jimmy_

And he is reformed from his broken place upon the ground, made whole and paired with angel, eternally it seems.


	16. Omniscience

**Disclaimer: I have never and will never own Supernatural. :(**

**A/N: Enjoy and review to give this author the happy**** feels!**

* * *

Sometimes, I forget that he is so old.

He's been the presence to float above us, forming skyline and guiding creation, and he is eternal.

This knowledge, far surpassing that of human, is devastating in its beauty and tragedy. It is the stuff of legends and it befalls me in sporadic, all-encompassing cosmic rays of experience. It transcends my realm.

He does these things-

_He watches the first step of man, balancing his form with light taps of unseen hands;_

_He sees the miracle of birth and blesses it with angelic nearness;_

_He knows the wrath of mortality and stays in our marred company_;

-Before, during, and after any one lifetime.

It is this side of him that is greater than me and I can do nothing but listen to whispers of these memories because it is so good and it fills me like nothing else.


	17. Good Intentions

**Disclaimer: Supernatural isn't mine.**

**A/N: I'm really hoping this chapter makes sense, because I didn't even know what I was writing about until halfway through. Funny thing, I thought I was writing about Sam and Dean at first. But nope, I was sorely mistaken.**

**Anyways... Enjoy! :)**

**Warning: Vague spoilers up to (including) Season 6.**

* * *

What no one seems to _get_ is that this is how the world works. The axis of Earth turns on the basis of gravity, but it would burn without passion.

There is so much bad here and you never really know anything. It's you on this plane and you take it in. If you're lucky enough, you'll find maybe one thing and you will let it turn your orbit.

The mind is a fusion of chemical and soul and they bind, cling, to what you can comprehend. For some, their realm spans by borders and sea. For others, they look above and see a god.

For me, I am engulfed by good intentions.

He and I are one, and we take in more than this world. We see a universe filled with future. He drags me past the stars and streaks the sky with promises of good, but time after time, he screws our revolution sideways.

He urges us on, past the atmosphere, past the good, past the bad, until there is one thought. _I can do this._

And then he makes deals with the King of Hell or grabs bodies with souls forgotten or turns on everything for new family.

He comprehends the possibilities and we are far from this place. We follow the threads of burning hope, with flames breaking us down. I see the end in his choices and am propelled forward.

There is failure, always and truly, but he cannot comprehend that.


End file.
